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08 May 2016 @ 07:26 pm
Fic: Fading From View  
Title: Fading from View
Author: theatregirl7299
Fandom: White Collar
Characters/Pairings: Neal’s mother
Rating: R
Word Count: 600
Spoilers: The entire series
Beta Credit: elrhiarhodan
Warnings: Mental health issues, suicide
Summary: Every day she struggles to fix the cracks

A/N: This is in response to sinfulslasher’s prompt of “Breaking You Gently” for runthecon. I tag vexed_wench with the prompt “Fragments of my memory”.

She couldn't tell you when it began - the slow fading of self.

She was there as a child - she knows that. Dark curls bouncing, Mary Janes polished, skipping rope on the cracked pavement in front of their 5th floor walk up.

Her First Communion. Fifty of them in white dresses and dark suits, a spiritual parody of marriage. She remembers the first taste of wine, sour on her tongue.

Summers where the heat made the sidewalks shimmer, feeling the blessed relief of open hydrants drenching her with their coolness.

Sitting outside her sister's room, listening to her whisper to her friends about the cute boy on their English class. Sneaking in to try on the scandalous scarlet lipstick that her sister had bought with her babysitting money.

Maybe the cracks began at puberty - she wasn't sure. She just knew that things started to become different. She felt the slow slipping away with the budding of breasts, the flowing of blood. The confusion of sexuality. Who to love and who was forbidden. The Jewish boy down the street was fine. The red haired girl with the slanted eyes was not.

She tried to fix it, reclaim herself. The Church promised confirmation. The naming of names and the promises of the Holy Spirit. But there was no true deliverance within its incense-laden walls.

She ran from the shy smiles of the red haired girl to the kisses of the Jewish boy and it seemed like enough.

For a while there was normalcy. School and dances and the attentions of the cute Irish boy with the blue eyes and dark brown hair who wanted to be a cop.

Fumbled caresses in the dark, lost innocence in the back of a '69 Dodge Charger. Nausea and exhaustion side by side.

Her mother cried, her father shouted, but in the end there was a wedding and a cold water flat in Baltimore. And a husband who was never home.

Her balustrades cracked, the whispered voices spilling into her brain. Hormones and hell and loneliness dancing in a warped trio.

She was saved by her beautiful boy. The scent of baby powder, the sound of laughter, his milky smiles that filled the crevasses and silenced the voices that threatened to overwhelm her.

She tried to be fixed for him. Just as the people in suits tried to fix her life in this strange new city. Her beautiful boy with his new name. Every day she tried – tried to remember how to be right for him. Clothes and lunches and ‘how was your day?’. Coloring inside the lines, on paper and in her mind.

All for him.

She fought the darkness, mended her fractures with his happiness. Told him stories of heroes in blue who saved the world, over and over until they became the reality and not the fantasy.

She should have known that nothing good lasts forever.

The truth, lying broken and bloody amongst the ashes of make-believe. Her beautiful boy, his face angry and tear-stained.

The sound of the front door closing in its finality.

There were no more cracks – all that was left was the maw of blackness, the derisive laughter of the voices that surrounded her. Her beautiful boy was gone.

The pills are white, small in her hand. She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes.

“Goodbye,” she says to her beautiful boy, knowing he will never hear her.

She’s peaceful now, as time slows down to long moments between breaths. The darkness welcomes her with silence as the glass slips from her hand.


caseyf123 on May 9th, 2016 12:12 am (UTC)
How heart breaking. Beautifully written.
theatregirl7299: Scruffy Matttheatregirl7299 on May 9th, 2016 12:58 am (UTC)
Thank you!
sandy79sandy79 on May 9th, 2016 12:37 am (UTC)
Wow, just wow! The loneliness, the void inside her is all but palpable. Great work!!
theatregirl7299: Scruffy Matttheatregirl7299 on May 9th, 2016 12:39 am (UTC)
Thank you!
elrhiarhodanelrhiarhodan on May 9th, 2016 01:00 am (UTC)
Break my heart, won't you?
theatregirl7299: Scruffy Matttheatregirl7299 on May 9th, 2016 01:17 am (UTC)
Awww. Sorry. But I'm glad you liked it.
pooh_collector on May 9th, 2016 01:20 am (UTC)
Beautiful and heart wrenching!

I don't think anyone has ever written anything from Neal's mom's perspective this evocatively.

Lovely and sad and now I need some sort of Neal and his mom happily ever after reunion, cause SAD!
theatregirl7299: Scruffy Matttheatregirl7299 on May 9th, 2016 01:36 am (UTC)
Oh wow! Thank you so much! So glad you liked it.
miri_thompsonmiri_thompson on May 9th, 2016 02:00 am (UTC)
Beautiful. Gut wrenching and beautiful. I love how you brought her to life, how you gave her a voice.
theatregirl7299: Scruffy Matttheatregirl7299 on May 9th, 2016 02:14 am (UTC)
Thank you!
angelita26: Neal Sadangelita26 on May 9th, 2016 02:09 am (UTC)
Awwwwwww, so sad but so well written. The flow is amazing! Thanks for sharing (and breaking my heart) *HUGS*
theatregirl7299: Scruffy Matttheatregirl7299 on May 9th, 2016 02:13 am (UTC)
Thank you!!! I'm so glad you liked it. And I didn't mean to break your heart.
hurinhousehurinhouse on May 9th, 2016 02:48 am (UTC)
I love the rhythm with which this is written the sparing flow moving along, telling us everything with so little. she's so palpable here, rather than the sparing mention we get in canon. thanks for sharing.
theatregirl7299theatregirl7299 on May 15th, 2016 11:58 pm (UTC)
You are so welcome. I've always felt that Neal's mother needed a voice and we lost out when the series ended. So this is my headcanon.
sapphire2309: sapphiresapphire2309 on May 9th, 2016 04:14 am (UTC)
theatregirl7299theatregirl7299 on May 15th, 2016 11:59 pm (UTC)
I hope that is a good thing!. Thank you for reading.
sapphire2309: Elizabeth 2sapphire2309 on May 16th, 2016 02:40 am (UTC)
Oh, it most certainly is. I love fics that hurt me something ridiculous.
pipiljpipilj on May 9th, 2016 05:28 am (UTC)
Sniff, this is heartbreaking
theatregirl7299theatregirl7299 on May 15th, 2016 11:59 pm (UTC)
Awww thank you!
vexed_wench on May 9th, 2016 06:55 am (UTC)
Heart breaking and beautiful.

Thanks for the prompt.
theatregirl7299theatregirl7299 on May 16th, 2016 12:00 am (UTC)
Thank you!
Machiavellian Puppet Master: WC--Neal island scrufflicioustjs_whatnot on May 9th, 2016 07:58 am (UTC)

This was so beautiful and poignant and I loved every perfect word of it, even as it broke me, or maybe because it broke me. You, my darling dear, have a magical way with words. Magical.

theatregirl7299theatregirl7299 on May 16th, 2016 12:00 am (UTC)
Wow! Thank you so much! I felt like her story needed to be told. So glad you liked it.
sheeniannisheenianni on May 9th, 2016 09:47 am (UTC)
Heartbreaking and perfect. Wonderfully done.
theatregirl7299theatregirl7299 on May 16th, 2016 12:01 am (UTC)
Thank you!
Treontreonb on May 9th, 2016 02:52 pm (UTC)
Oy, this is so beautiful and so sad.
theatregirl7299theatregirl7299 on May 16th, 2016 12:01 am (UTC)
Thank you. Glad you liked it.
kanarek13kanarek13 on May 11th, 2016 03:45 pm (UTC)
Awww, the heartbreak *sniff* So beautifully written ♥ D'awww... ♥
theatregirl7299theatregirl7299 on May 16th, 2016 12:01 am (UTC)
Thank you! So glad you liked it.